This week, Wise Heart looks at how to engage in dialogue and express ourselves in ways that connect and meet needs.
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In any dialogue, it’s tempting to believe that more words will create more understanding, but in a dialogue in which focus and sensitivity are essential, more words often mean more reactivity. More reactivity means less listening and mutual understanding.
Let’s look at a partnership example with a couple we will call Adrian and Chris. Adrian expresses to Chris, “I feel like you’re so controlling. You treat me like a child about money. Every time I come home, you ask me how much I spent. Meanwhile, you are off making huge purchases for work and not even telling me. You don’t trust me with money, but you want me to trust you. I want to be treated like an adult!”
In the space of 15 seconds, Adrian has made four accusations against Chris and has made the problem seem all pervasive by using the phrase “every time.” How well do you think Chris can connect with Adrian’s feelings and needs?
Dialogue that creates connection rests on the intention to connect as well as the awareness to only start a dialogue when nervous system regulation is present and can be maintained. With this as the foundation, let’s look at some guidelines for successful dialogue.
- Speak for only two minutes or less before asking for a reflection. Sharing very little at a time helps keep the dialogue at nervous system speed.
- One event = one dialogue. There may be many instances where you have been frustrated about money, but bringing numerous examples up at once quickly overwhelms the nervous system, and dialogue turns into debate.
- Everything you say is a form of either “please” or “thank you.” Grab the universal needs and identify the needs you hope to have met by starting a dialogue – this is your “please.” In the example above, Adrian is likely trying to express needs for trust, respect, and mutuality.
- A specific request at the end of your sharing moves a dialogue forward in a specific way. After you share, ask the other person to reflect back what they heard or to share what comes up in them hearing you.
- Follow a structure like the following:
- Refer to a shared event without insisting on a detailed shared memory of the event: “Do you remember the other night when we went out for dinner, and you asked me about money?”
- Identify one feeling and need: “When I think about that conversation, I feel frustrated because I want more trust in our relationship.”
- With the speed of light, make a connecting request: “Would you be willing to tell me what you hear me saying so far?” This simple structure is asking you not only to reveal your heart, but to do so without any justification, story, blame, or judgment. With this structure, you are also taking full responsibility for your feelings and needs and trusting that the other person can receive you with compassion.
Connecting in dialogue with focus and sensitivity requires more emphasis on pacing, mindfulness, and self-connection than on intellectual understanding and mental explanations.
Practice
Review a dialogue you had recently and identify which elements of the guidelines named above were present and which you would like to include more of in your next dialogue.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s blog. Do share your thoughts and experiences below.
Thank you for reading, for being here, and for being you.
With love.
Ceferino
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