This week, Wise Heart looks at how the fear of losing acceptance and belonging can cost us our authenticity and sense of choice, and contract our true nature of being of service and contributing.
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Ever heard yourself say “I have to” and then experienced a heavy or resentful feeling? Saying “I have to” can be a shorthand way to refer to a responsibility that you are choosing, or it can be a way of creating a burden and obligation.
When you make decisions from a sense of “I have to,” you create a sort of mental trap that sometimes is projected as blame and resentment of others. This typically isn’t something you are consciously creating. My guess is that somewhere back there in life, when you were exercising your choice, you had some harsh experiences. You learned that if you were authentic and chose what was right for you, it could cost you acceptance and belonging. You may or may not even remember these experiences.
One of the most tragic things about this dynamic is that you likely have a true value and longing to be of service and care for others, and this gets hijacked by fear and obligation. Sadly, making choices from obligation and fear of losing acceptance or belonging is a toxin to yourself and your relationships and doesn’t meet your need for contribution or authenticity.
From formative experiences that lacked or actively denied belonging and acceptance, you learned to cope by repressing your choice in favour of what you thought others wanted you to do. Limiting beliefs were established like “I can’t be authentic and belong or be accepted,” or “I have to earn acceptance.” Eventually, trading your authenticity for acceptance and belonging becomes an unsustainable way of living. Symptoms like anger, depression, and a sense of emptiness begin to appear.
It takes courage to choose what’s right for you when you perceive that your belonging is at risk. When you embrace your authenticity and express what’s true for you, you might be surprised by the acceptance you are offered. You might also need to leave a community or particular relationships if they don’t support your authenticity. However, standing in your choice and authenticity and receiving support heals this wounding and begins to liberate you from limiting beliefs.
Practice
This week, notice when you are telling yourself, “I have to.” Take a couple of breaths and notice your experience – feelings, body sensations, thoughts, beliefs, images, energy, etc. Then, check in with the reality of the situation. Is your belonging really at risk? Are you willing to choose what’s right for you and see what happens? Who in your life already supports your authenticity?
Lastly, check in with the other needs behind a choice you are making. Sometimes just getting in touch with what you are caring for when you make a decision can help you shift from obligation to choice.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s blog. Do share your thoughts and experiences below.
Thank you for reading, for being here, and for being you.
With love.
Ceferino
If you would like to learn practical and concrete relationship and communication skills that enable you to reliably create connection and repair relationship ruptures, then have a look at our upcoming Mindful Compassionate Dialogue course where you’ll learn the skills, practices and capacity to do just that.
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