This week, Wise Heart shares how our own reactivity around matters we care most about can disconnect us from ourselves, others and our values, and push away understanding and support for the very cause(s) we care about.
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There are many ways to make the world a better place, and you likely have one or two favourites. For your favourite cause, you have likely researched the topic, attended groups or workshops, and done your best to live by the tenets of that cause.
Perhaps the more you learn, the more you see how extensive the problem is and how important change is if we are to avoid disaster. You may feel passionate, angry, frightened, grief-stricken, and desperate wanting to make the world a safe and healthy place. As you work towards positive change, you learn that to stay with activism, you need to regularly receive empathy for your pain around the situation.
If you don’t find the empathy you need, you might see reactivity replace skilful action. When anger and fear come up for you about your cause, it can activate memories associated with these emotions, thus intensifying them. The more reactive you are, the more likely it is that you see yourself as righteous and others as foolish or uncaring. Here are some other symptoms that you have become reactive rather than proactive about the cause:
- You have difficulty enjoying your life
- You often feel irritable
- You talk about the cause in most of your conversations
- You consistently talk more than you listen
- You talk for more than a couple of minutes at a time without pausing for the other person to participate
- You don’t notice if the other person seems interested or not
- You insist that others follow the same tenets you follow
- You demand others do it your way or you will withdraw your respect and caring
- You are unaware or unconcerned about your impact on others
- People avoid talking with you
This kind of reactivity is a tragic situation. Underneath all that reactivity, you really do care. You really do want to contribute. In reactivity, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that real transformation comes through connected relationship, not through convincing, controlling, and making demands of others.
If you have been practising Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, you know that autonomy is one of the most important human needs. When you behave in a way that violates the other person’s choice, they will spend their energy protecting autonomy rather than getting curious about your message.
Regardless of the cause you have chosen, it is your ability to embody compassion and wisdom moment by moment that truly inspires others. This means getting curious about the other person and how they relate to the topic.
It means asking about all the reasons they have for not eating organic, or not having a zero emissions car, or not attending your restorative justice group, or not being vegan, etc., and meeting their situation with empathy. It means truly making sure someone wants to hear from you before sharing, and noticing their response as you speak. It means catching yourself in judgment and criticism and remembering that judgment comes from your own feelings and needs which can be expressed directly along with specific and doable requests.
Perhaps most importantly, it means getting the support you need to stay grounded in the face of your own fear and grief and remembering that transformation arises from a loving heart and clear mind. When you inspire others to cultivate love and wisdom, you find companions on the path for positive change.
Practice
The next time you find yourself sharing about your cause, pause and ask the other person how what you’re saying is landing for them or how they relate to the topic.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s blog. Do share your thoughts and experiences below.
Thank you for reading, for being here, and for being you.
With love.
Ceferino
If you would like to learn practical and concrete relationship and communication skills to create thriving relationships with yourself and others, then have a look at our upcoming Mindful Compassionate Dialogue course, where you’ll learn the skills, practices and capacity to do just that. Our journey starts on 2nd July 2025.
You are also invited to join our free monthly Empathy Circle, where you can learn and discover what empathy is, and more importantly, practice giving and receiving empathy, allowing you to be deeply seen and heard in whatever challenge or celebration you’re navigating.
If you’d like to experience a powerful coaching conversation, book a complimentary 1:1 Coaching Call with me.
