Let’s talk about relationships, communication and feelings.
Words that have become very popular recently, together with emotional intelligence.
We’re constantly being told the importance of them, and how we need to focus on them, get better at them and control them (although we cannot control them and what we actually want and need to do is process them) in the case of feelings.
And rightfully so, these concepts, skills and experiences are indeed fundamental to our well-being and thriving.
Our sense of meaning, purpose and fulfilment depends on the quality of our relationships. And the quality of our relationships depends on the quality of our communication and the degree to which we’ve cultivated and integrated essential relationship competencies.
Yet, very little is being said about the specifics of ‘how to’ actually do these things and how to do them well.
We are not taught or modelled these skills. As a matter of fact, we’re actively discouraged and disconnected from our feelings from an early age and receive all sorts of negative conditioning and associations around our needs (e.g. they’re bad, inappropriate, wrong or a sign of weakness).
However, more people are starting to prioritise their relationships and realise the impact of their communication on their relationships and as such have started to take some degree of responsibility for them by making use of ‘I’ statements: ‘I feel…’ or ‘I need…’.
However, and unfortunately, proceed (usually unintentionally and unknowingly) with an interpretation, judgement or strategy as opposed to actual feelings or needs, which only triggers defensiveness, shutdown or disconnect in the person they’re communicating to.
E.g. ‘I feel patronised’. In fact, recently a senior executive on LinkedIn shared her frustration at not receiving an apology from a colleague after she shared with him how “patronised” she felt by him in a meeting. Instead, her sharing this only created further conflict and disconnect with him arguing and defending against “patronising” her.
The thing is that ‘patronised’, like so many other words like ‘attacked’ or ‘abandoned’ are not actually feelings, but rather interpretations, and as soon as one uses any of these words, “I feel patronised…” it immediately implies wrong-doing on the part of the other, i.e. them doing the patronising, attacking, abandoning, etc.
This immediately shuts down the dialogue, together with the possibility of being heard and for a resolution to be found as the other person goes into defence, shutdown or disconnect.
Likewise, when you ask someone what they need, mostly likely they’ll give you a strategy (often a singular, preferred and limited strategy) as opposed to actual needs: “I just need you/her/them to do/stop doing XYZ”, which again will most likely only shut down the dialogue.
One of the first core skills within Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD) is to build and integrate an actual feeling and needs vocabulary, together with identifying and distinguishing an actual need from strategies.
E.g. In the example above, “I feel patronised” could be translated into: I feel frustrated because I need respect”. This clearly identifies an actual feeling and a universal need, without labelling or judging the other in a particular way.
However, this expression is still incomplete and needs to be prefaced and ended by two other important components within MCD, namely, the neutral observation and a specific and doable request.
E.g. When I heard you refer to me as “darling” in our team meeting this morning, I felt frustrated because I needed respect. Would you be willing to only refer to me by my name at work?
By stating the neutral observation, identifying and communicating your actual feelings and needs and making a specific and doable request, as opposed to interpretations and judgements, you are taking full responsibility for your inner experience as well as for getting your needs met, while simultaneously minimising defensiveness or shutdown in the other and maximising connection and changed behaviour.
This is just one skill. The MCD system consists of 12 relationship competencies and nine foundations of selfhood, with each competency and foundation consisting of concrete and practical skills to learn and implement. If you want to learn and cultivate practical relationship and communication skills and competencies to create thriving and skilful relationships with yourself and others, have a look at our next Mindful Compassionate Dialogue course starting end of January 2025.
Our journey starts on 29 January with an early bird discount ending on 31 December 2024. Limited spaces available.
Click this LINK to learn more and register.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s blog. Do share your comments below.
Thank you for reading, for being here, and for being you.
With love
Ceferino
If you would like to learn and cultivate the relationship competencies, communication skills and emotional capacity needed to move beyond painful and unhelpful relationship dynamics and instead create compassionate, skilful and thriving relationships with yourself and others, have a look at our upcoming Mindful Compassionate Dialogue course.
You are also invited to join our free monthly Empathy Circle, where you can learn and discover what empathy is, and more importantly, practice giving and receiving empathy, allowing you to be deeply seen and heard in whatever challenge or celebration you’re navigating.
If you’d like to experience a powerful coaching conversation, book a complimentary 1:1 Coaching Call with me.
